Mutant Laa Laa vs Ruin Processor

Pre-Analysis
Alexander: There are many forms of monstrosities that exist out there.

D1G1T: Which is plenty of monsterous matchups!

Alexander: Yep.

D1G1T: Mutant Laa Laa, the long-limbed monster of Slendytubbies!

Alexander: And Ruin Processor, the most unfair and absolutely CENSORED card in Magic: The Gathering that I’ve encountered. Except for Mobile Garrison.

D1G1T: I’m D1G1T and this is my friend Alexander!

Alexander: And today, we do the research on these two!

Mutant Laa Laa
Alexander: Welcome to Teletubby Land! A land filled with with green grass, a baby sun and an ARMY OF MUTANT TELETUBBIES!

D1G1T: Yep! And the first four Teletubbies were also mutated by Noo Noo into awful monsters, starting with Tinky Winky and ending with Po!

Alexander: But today, we cover the elongated mutant of the wastelands known as Laa Laa. Let’s begin with the basics. Laa Laa stands as one of the tallest mutants in the game, being 2 teletubbies tall.

D1G1T: While that may sound like it’s big, the estimated height of a teletubby is 4”6’. Laa Laa is two teletubbies tall ,so that makes her total height 9”2’!

Alexander: It doesn't make them less terrifying, though. In fact, I think a spare change of pants are in order.

D1G1T: Moving on! Laa Laa is capable of tearing through teletubbies like wet toilet paper and sprinting across an entire wasteland at a speed of 90 kilometres an hour!

Alexander: She’s also highly durable, being able to survive a huge block of stone falling on her. Doing the measurements, this block of stone is about 4”9’ tall and 5”0’ wide.

D1G1T: Wow, that’s really tough!

Alexander: And her hearing’s inhumanly sharp, which makes up for her…. lack of eyes. Yeah, she has no eyes whatsoever. And while that stone block didn’t kill her, she was rendered unable to move by it.

D1G1T: But beyond all of those weaknesses, Laa Laa proves herself to be a dangerous creature.

Ruin Processor
Alexander: In the world of Magic: The Gathering, there is a species of beasts known only as the Eldrazi. Nobody knows how they first came into existence, or how they work. But of all of these ‘machines’, one of the worst is Ruin Processor.

D1G1T: Ruin Processor stands tall at 10”4’ and weighs in at 230 pounds! It’s power matches it’s size, being to tear through stone temples faster than Alexander on Taco Night.

Alexander: Hey! It’s also quite durable, surviving spells that easily destroyed many other Eldrazi. However, he’s not invincible.

D1G1T: While Ruin Processor is tough and strong, it’s sadly really slow. It also has no eyes or ears, so it doesn’t have any senses other than touch!

Alexander: Well, even with weaknesses like that, it’s not a beast to be careless with in battle.

The Fight
Mutant Laa Laa is roaming the wastelands, listening for her next meal. Suddenly, something hits her hard and sends her into a nearby rock. Ruin Processor turns to see Laa Laa rushing at it, screeching incredibly loud.

FIGHT!

Laa Laa begins the fight with a swipe to Ruin Processor’s face, which is easily avoided by Ruin Processor keeping a distance from her. She continues to swipe at Ruin Processor, who continues to stay out of Laa Laa’s reach. Eventually, Ruin Processor’s face was scratched by Laa Laa, who is incredibly exhausted from trying to attack Ruin Processor. As the opportunity opens itself up, Ruin Processor retaliates with a strike from it’s arms and breaks Laa Laa’s neck, killing her.

Post-Analysis
Alexander:.......

D1G1T: THAT WAS AWESOME!

Alexander: As much as I hate to admit it, Ruin Processor takes the win. As much as I wanted Ruin Processor to die, he was much stronger than Laa Laa could ever be. After all, a single Ruin Processor could easily destroy a stone temple, while Laa Laa could only kill creatures that were weaker than humans.

D1G1T: And it was also much smarter than her, too. But the biggest advantage that it had was Durabiliity! Remember that the stone block immobilized Laa Laa for good, and that’s not even comparable to a stone temple!

Alexander: The only two edges Laa Laa had were speed and senses, but those weren’t enough to put down Ruin Processor. I guess that means…..

D1G1T: Ruin Processor wins!

Alexander: And I now have another reason to hate it.

SUMMARY:

Ruin Processor:

+Strength

+Intelligence

+Bigger

+Durability

- Speed

- Senses

Mutant Laa Laa:

+ Speed

+ Senses

- Strength

- Intelligence

- Smaller

- Durability